Thursday, January 28, 2016

What if he's the next Karate Kid?

An email from K:

"Today we had a discussion about how it's never okay to "pretend" roundhouse kick someone's head."

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Welcome to class, kiddo.

Kid: What movie is this?
Me: Uh...seriously?
Kid: Yes? Is it Macbeth? it doesn't seem like Macbeth.
Me: It's the same version of Macbeth I've been showing you clips from for two weeks.
Kid: Who is this kid? There's no kid in the play.
Me: That's Macduff's son. You know, the one who gets murdered along with his entire family in Act IV. This is Act IV.
Kid: Where have I been?
Me: I HAVE NO IDEA.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Why do I bother with instructions?!

An email from reader S:

"We are working on a textbook inventory activity, I explain the basic instructions and go through a couple of the questions:

-The name of the author of your textbook is on the spine and on the title page on the inside of your book. 

-The publisher of your textbook is on the spine and same page as the copyright.

My next sixteen questions were 'Where do I find the author/publisher?'"

Monday, January 25, 2016

Come on, Siri.

My kids were working on an assignment in class, when all of a sudden, I hear Siri repeating one of the questions from the handout. 

My response, "Aaaaaaand that's why I'm not collecting any of this for actual credit, you just google shit."

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Using Harry Potter always wins me over...

An email from K...

"A very sweet, earnest girl is trying to get a creative writing club started. I've already told her that I don't have time to advise it so she asked me for a list of other English teachers.

K: You know, you can ask other teachers too. Some may enjoy writing, but not be English teachers.
Girl: Oh, you mean like how Snape is the Potions teacher but really wants to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts?
K: Yes. Exactly like that."

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

MLA Motherfucker

An email from K...

"My progression into insanity in the computer lab doing MLA formatting with freshmen.

1st period: Extreme attention to every single misplaced period, disorganized Works Cited, etc.

3rd period: Yeah yeah, that looks good enough.

6th period: Existential crisis. 'Why are we doing this? Does it even matter?!?'"

Friday, January 15, 2016

Let's be better, OK?

Girl: Why aren't we reading the easy version of Shakespeare?
Me: I don't know what that means.
Girl: Like, the translated version. At [our rival high school] --
[The entire class groans]
Me: I'm going to go ahead and stop you right there. If you want it easy, you're welcome to go to That Other School. Here at That One School, we do actual work.
Kid behind her, quietly: That was the stupidest thing you've ever said.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Eat your damn vegetables too!

The students were working on a research project and a kid didn't know how to cite something.

Kid: I can't cite this. 

Me: Yes you can, this is how you do it [long explanation]. 
Kid: Ugh, this is gross. 
Me: That's not a response. This isn't gross. It's work. 
Kid: Uuuuuuuugh. 
Me: Cool, I'll go ahead and relate that message to teens in war-torn countries who don't have enough to eat and who would literally kill to be in your position citing something from the internet right now. Go away.

So I basically turned into a mother who shames a kid for not eating their dinner, right?  Whatever.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

They well never know the joys of hearing "you've got mail"...

An email from K...

"I had to send an email of a screen shot. I didn't even know there was email on my phone. Ugh, I felt so old. My MOM uses email."

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Drinking and Making Water

I drink a lot of water because I spend 45-55 minutes talking every hour for 6 hours a day. One day a girl had a lot of questions about my water drinking habits...

Girl, out of the blue: You drink a lot of water.
Me: Uh huh, I know. When I talk for 55 minutes straight, I get thirsty.
Girl, skeptical: Like, when do you pee?
Me: You want to know my pee schedule?
Girl: Yeah.
Me: OK, well, (I give her a run-down of which classes I pee between, when my prep period is, and when lunch is). Is that good enough?
Girl: Yes. That's a lot of peeing.
Me: Well, as you pointed out, I drink a lot of water.
 
Now, from time to time, she checks in to see how many times I've peed that day. Teenagers are fucking weird.