Thursday, December 18, 2014

Foods is hard?

An email from a reader who teaches Nutrition and Wellness:
Student: Mrs. K, you should really try stuffed portabellas.
Teacher: I can't, I'm allergic to mushrooms. But I'll take your word that they're good!
Student: There's no mushrooms in stuffed portabellas.
Teacher: Portabellas ARE mushrooms.
Student: Portabellas are not, they are, oh, wait, they are mushrooms!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Granted, we went to college 10+ years ago...

An email from K...

Kid #1: College costs an arm and a leg.
Kid #2: K went to college and she still has all her arms and legs.

[I replied and asked K to give Kid #2 a high five for me.]

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Ix-nay on the oopid-stay...

We're watching a movie and I hear two kids whispering on the other side of the room...

Girl, whispering: What is that?
Boy: It's a hyena.
Girl: What's that?
Boy: You know in "The Lion King"...?
Me, interrupting: Did you just try to explain the concept of hyenas by referencing "The Lion King"?
Boy: ...yes?
Me: I love you.

Monday, December 15, 2014

No one cares about their hard-knock lives.

Co-worker S and I were talking about the new version of Annie coming out soon.  Co-worker J overheard our conversation...

J: Are you talking about Annie?
S: They've updated it.
J: Are there still little girls singing?
S: Yes.
J: I'm out.
[I laugh.]
J: No, seriously, I don't care if their lives are hard.

Just more reasons why my co-workers are awesome.  (Also, I still want to see that movie, even though it looks pretty terrible.)

Friday, December 12, 2014

This is why I never loan out pens.

An email from K...
Kid #1: K, can I have your pen?
K: No.
Kid #1: Can I touch your pen?
K: No.
Kid #1: Can I lick your pen?
K: No.
Kid #1: Can I fart on your pen?
K: No
Kid #2: Ew, no! Don't fart on her pen! That's how people get pink eye!"

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Is she the fashion/bitch face police?

An email exchange between K and me...

K to me: "You have one of those looks that just makes me work. You just look at me and I know that I need to start working."

Me to K: This is awesome. Also, was he/she basically trying to tell you that you have a bitch face?

K to me: Um, I think so... But basically I walked over there and she was all "oh shit!" And got to work. She gives me a review of my outfit every morning... "I like your sweater!" "You look like a candy cane!" "Did you mean to clash?"

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Totes obvi.

Kid: That's totally intim.
Me: What the hell does that even mean?
Kid: Intimidating.
Kid: Totes. Obvi. It's a thing.
Me: No. Stop. I ban you from speaking for the rest of the hour.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

I'm not punny.

Kid: I need to make like a banana and...uh...
Me: Get the hell out of here?
Kid: No! Split!
Me: My way is funnier.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Oh, awkward.

Me: Dude, I just found out you have a twin!
Kid: Yeah...I wish I didn't.
Me: Oh, awkward.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Reasons why K is my favorite...

Two emails from K (these may be my all-time favorite emails she's ever sent me)...

Email #1

I just threatened to take away a kid's eyes.

(I don't know if more context makes this better or worse)
Two kids are looking at each other and making goofy faces.
K: If you're texting I'll take away your phone. So if you're looking at each other what do you think I'm going to take away?
Kid: eyes?
K: That's right.

Email #2

K: Stop making faces! You know what will happen! 
Kid: You'll take my face?
K: Yup.
Another kid: Can you even do that?*
K: Do you want to find out?

*I'm pretty sure he didn't mean could I physically do it, he was legit questioning if teachers were allowed to do that. Which means I've done my job well, since he sees that as a valid threat.