Friday, October 24, 2014

This has been a hell of a week.

Overheard in a senior class:

"Don't make me spank you!"

I look up at the girl in front of my desk and give her a strange look.

Her: Well, that's a creepy image.
Me: OK, just making sure I wasn't the only one who heard that.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Listen to your buddy, ol' EAP

A kid asked to charge his phone by my desk and it kept buzzing.

Me: Dude, your phone is blowing up, come deal with it.
Kid, looking at his phone: Oh, it's just this girl.
Me: Great, you're in class. No time for love, Dr. Jones.
Kid: She's called me 3 times and texted me 14 times since class started.
Me, deadpan: Bro, if she sent you 14 texts in like 20 minutes, you need run, really fast, in the other direction.

Picture Source

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

To be fair, I'd totally do that job.

Kid: I want to make sleeping my job. That would be awesome.
Me: How would that work?
Kid: I could be, like, a cuddle buddy for hire.
Me: So a prostitute without the sex?
Kid: Totally!

Monday, October 20, 2014

It's Monday.

Girl #1: What's that thing Muslim women to cover their faces?
Me: A burqa.
Girl #2: Wait, isn't it a parka? [a beat] Nope, that's a jacket. Never mind.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Saturday Special: Three Things, Vol. 29

I haven't done this in too long!

1. Jandy Nelson's I'll Give You the Sun

I think this is my favorite book of the year.  I thought Jandy Nelson's first book, The Sky is Everywhere, was pretty OK, but I wasn't blown away by it.  On the other hand, goddamn this book is amazing.  I found the ARC on Netgalley a few months ago, but wasn't approved for it (BOOO HISSSSS).  It was so fascinated by the story that I bought it the day it came out and spend the next few days making my way through.  The prose is gorgeous (ex: "Meeting your soul mate is like walking into a house you’ve been in before—you will recognize the furniture, the pictures on the wall, the books on the shelves, the contents of drawers: You could find your way around in the dark if you had to... SIGH. I don't even believe in soulmates and I think this is gorgeous.) and the story is compelling.  I wanted to read it in one sitting, but I made myself only read a bit at a time. I equally loved Noah and Jude's stories and I can't wait to have time to reread in a few months. Seriously, give it a shot.

2. Walk the Moon's "Shut Up and Dance"

I randomly heard this song on the radio, Shazamed it, downloaded it, sent my sister the youtube link, and it has immediately become one of our favorite songs.  Maybe we had a dance party via Skype to it.  OK, no maybe, we did. It was spectacular.  I dare you not to dance.

3. MTV's "Faking It"

Over the summer I watched season 1 of "Faking It" on Amazon and I fell in love. Season 2 is currently airing on MTV.  I'm not one to watch, well, anything on MTV (with the exception of "Teen Wolf" OBVIOUSLY), but "Faking It" is pretty hilarious.  I thought the concept, best friends pretend to be lesbians to gain popularity, would be offensive, but it's actually amusing and surprisingly poignant.  If MTV isn't going to show music videos, at least some of their programming is good.

See all Three Things posts here.

Friday, October 17, 2014

None of you are making it on to The Voice.

A kid starts to sing a song.

Kid: You know that song?
Me: Nope. You were just making noises.

A bunch of kids start singing it.

Girl: Now do you know it?
Me: If I didn't know it before, how are all of you screeching it going to help?

[While usually this would just be me messing with the kids, I really didn't know the song.]

Thursday, October 16, 2014

That's racist! (Part III)

Kid: So we can use .org and .gov, right? But not .com?
Me: Correct.
Kid: That's racist.
Me: Super racist.

Yeah, I like calling things racist too.  See here and here.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Freudian slip? Uh, no.

Last night I was at a coach meeting for my extra curricular and I told one of the other coaches (who is 24 and in college) he could text me if he had any questions, but instead of text I said sext. 

So that's the story of my life...M: Making everything awkward for approximately 30 years (I'm giving myself a few years of nonawkwardness because of the whole learning to talk thing).

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The Rock...get it?

We're reading a story...

Kid: So he turned into a rock?
Me: Yes.
Kid: Wait, a rock...or Dwayne Johnson?
Me: I don't know whether to high five you or to tell you to shut up.
Kid: You could high five me in my face?
Me: You're the best.