Friday, October 21, 2016

And we're done talking now.

A kid was sitting by my desk and I wanted to eat a candy bar with peanuts in it. I always double check with my classes before I eat anything in class because I don't want to be the teacher who kills a kid because I needed to eat a granola bar.
Me: Kid, you're allergic to peanuts, right?
Kid: Yes, but you can eat that. I won't die.
Me: Cool.
Kid: I mean, I've kissed someone after she ate peanuts and I didn't die.
Me: Well that's good to know.
Kid: I'm not saying we should kiss or anything, but it would be --

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Being in my class is like being high on life?

Kid, looking at his water bottle: When you think about it, water is so refreshing, but, like, it doesn't have a taste. It's, like nothing.
Me: Dude, are you high? I have to ask, just to cover all my bases.
Kid: Yeah I'm high. High on working on my group project.
Me: You know I'm going to tweet this, right?
(I didn't tweet it, I posted it here instead. You're welcome.)

Monday, October 17, 2016

Also, it's called an ampersand...

Kid: In writing, when should you use the "and" symbol?
Me: When you're texting or trying to save characters on Twitter. That's it.
Kid: Yeah, but when in THIS CLASS?

Friday, October 14, 2016


Here's a conversation I just had during passing period the second week of school. A kid leftover from  the previous was furiously copying an assignment from his phone so he could turn them in. I let him go for like three minutes into passing period and then I said something.

Me: Dude, you know I can see you copying, right?
Kid: Oh, um, yeah, sorry.
Me: Cool, finish up and put it in the trash can.
Kid: Wait, you won't take it?
Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS? I'm watching you copy. Cheat. Plagiarize. What was unclear about our discussion of cheating?
Kid: Oh...
I walked away as he tried to protest.
So clearly sending out assignments is already happening and that puts an end to collecting small assignments like that to help their grade. DUNZO.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

It's hard to be on the struggle bus!

An email from one of coworkers:
Four Senior English boys are sitting beside each other working on computers in the back of my room. One called me over, "Mr. -----, can you just pretend you are in the driver's seat of the bus and keep us company because we are struggling with this new MLA format!"

Monday, October 10, 2016

Just checking...

Kid: Can I use your scissors?
Me: Are you going to stab someone with them?
Kid, affronted: WHAT?! NO! I'm going to cut some paper.
Me: Just checking.

(I always ask kids this when they borrow scissors. I have to cover all my bases you know.)

Friday, October 7, 2016

Explaining that is not my job...

Kid: So, uh, how did Zeus make people?
Me, pausing: What do you mean?
Kid: Like, Zeus had a bunch of kids. How did he make them?
Me: Have you taken health class?
Kid: I mean, yeah, but...
Me: Then maybe you need to check out a book from the library because I don't feel like I should have to explain this to you.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Critical Thinking is Hard

An email from coworker S:

Students are doing an assignment where they have to come up with an element of dystopian literature Orwell uses. Kid has his phone out, so I ask him to give me his phone.
Kid: But I'm using it to complete this?
S: What do you mean?
Kid: I'm looking up conformity in 1984.
S: No. You're supposed to use your brain to figure it out. I don't want the Internet's response to this.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Progress, or something.

The other day a girl declared homecoming court to be super heteronormative, which lead to a fantastic discussion about why that is and why it likely will not change at our school in the near future, despite the fact it should.

This is why I love my kids so much this year.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Just stop it, please.

When in teacher college, professors never tell you how many times you'll have to say to senior boys: "Please stop touching each other. If you want to touch each other outside class and away from me, cool, I support that, but in class keep your hands to yourselves." 

They're all basically 5 years old.