Friday, November 21, 2014

It's Stanley Kowalski, dude.

We were watching The Truman Show and a kid asked what Truman's best friend's name was.

Me: Marlon.
Kid: What?

Me: MARLON.  All the characters are named after famous movie stars, such as Meryl Streep and Marlon Brando.
Kid: Wait, who is Marlon Brando?
Me: Get the hell out of my classroom.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

I'm feeling very Ally McBeal right now.

I made the kids sign a contract. for a group project they were doing, which outlined the responsibilities of each member of the group.  Some of them were a bit suspicious...

Kid #1: Dude you can't sign it in pencil! It's a legal document!
Me: Uh, it's not even a legal document. Also, are you 18 yet? [Kid shakes his head no.] Then you can't even sign a legal document.
Kid #2: He can in the presence of an adult.
Me: No, in the presence of his legal guardian.
Kid #1: Will you be my legal guardian?!
Me: NO.
Kid #2: If I bring you [local burger place] every day, will you be my legal guardian?
Me: Still no.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

No thanks. Part II

An email from K:

Freshman boy: Why does your classroom always smell?
K: Because I'm in here.
Freshman boy [comes up and puts his nose on my shoulder]: Naw, you smell good. It's not you.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Moments I'm glad I'm not a teenager...

A kid came in the other day bragging that he ate an entire bag of candy corn in the four hours he'd been at school.  Then 10 minutes into class...
 
Kid: I have a stomachache.
Me: Well, sweetheart, you did just eat a bag of candy corn...
Kid: But it seemed like such a good idea at the time. The bag said they were made with real honey, so I thought it would be good for me.
Me: College is going to be rough for you.

Monday, November 17, 2014

To be fair, this exemplifies why he's my work spouse.

A gmail chat with my work spouse:

Me:  hold on

WS for one more day?
someday somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye....
say goodbye,,,,,
till then, baby, are ya gonna let 'em hold ya down and make ya cry?
Me oh jesus
WS don't cha know?
.....................Know
things will change?
.........................Change
Me:  you know I'm putting this on the blog, right?
you're ridiculous
WS:  damnit
 
 

Friday, November 14, 2014

Nahh?

An email from K:
 
Title of a science poster project abandoned in my room:
"Are Human's Organism's--or Nahh?"

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Afro circus?!

A kid was humming the circus song.

Me: Are you singing the circus song?
Kid, laughs: No.
I "sing" it.
Kid #2: Isn't that song written be a Nazi?
Girl: How do you know that?
Me: YEAH, how do you know that?!

By the way, it wasn't written by a Nazi, at least according to Wikipedia.

Second by the way, is it weird that whenever I hear that song, I automatically think of this version instead? (I think the Madagascar movies are AWESOME.)

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

I feel like it needs a new name, right?

Two kids are talking in front of my desk.

Kid #1: ...and he was french kissing [sees me] oh hi!
Me: Hi! Who was french kissing who?
Kid #2: [Other kid] was french kissing out with a water bottle!
Me: OK, first of all, we still call it french kissing? That's racist. Secondly, I want out of this conversation.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

So this is my life...

I really love the quote from Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower when Charlie says, "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." It's the quote I most often think about when weird things happen in my life/classroom and I have no other way to explain them.  For example:

Yesterday a girl walked up to my desk and said, "Uh, my belly button is bleeding...what should I do?"

Monday, November 10, 2014

Conversating

An email from K:

This was an actual "conversation" between two freshmen. It's like they just say random things at each other and call it a conversation.

Kid #1: I'm just going to carry a deck of cards so if someone jumps me we'll play Uno.
Kid #2: You can't play Uno with regular cards.
Kid #1: You can't play Uno with your binder. Holla.