- Fierce ("in loyalty, friendship, opinions, etc")
- Enabler ("You know why." I do know why, and she's right.)
- Sassy ("The second word is real. The third is beloved. The fourth and fifth words are fucking and awesome." That was from my sister.)
- You-ish (I loved this.)
- Quirky ("...an individual. I think that's what I mean by quirky. Because sometimes people use quirky to mean strange.")
- Dependable ("...that doesn't sound very nice....I feel like your friends and colleagues can always count on you for nice things and to always follow through with what you say you're going to do..." My response was, "Only if you're not a [then I used the c-word, sorry folks, but I'm a user the c-word].")
I've always had a self-confidence problem. I'm a self-doubter. I've become more introverted as I've gotten older. But if you ask anyone who knows me, they'll argue that's bullshit. As an example, as you'll see above, I asked a handful of people who really know me to tell me what one word they think describes me best. "Fierce" was the one I heard from most people.
This summer I've been working on myself, physically (getting my lazy ass to the gym) and mentally. One major thing I'm working on is being the person other people see when they look at me (example: see list of traits above). That doesn't mean to care about what other people think, but I've always said if people could just see themselves how other people see them, then the world would be a better place. I'm a victim of that as well.
I'm saying it out loud: I need to accept my awesomeness (which makes me feel like an asshole to say, but it's part of the deal) and go with it. I've always been afraid of confidence because, look at the previous sentence, it seems strong women have to apologize for their awesomeness. For loving themselves. For being confident. But I need to get over that. One challenge I gave myself at the beginning of the summer was to go out for a meal at a sit-down restaurant alone once a week. I never did dinner, but I did many lunches and even Sunday brunch, which was especially hard. It was a practice in getting over certain social anxieties and stigmas. I brought my Kindle, or just watched and listened to people around me (which sound super creepy, but whatever). I spent time with myself, my awesome self, my awesome confident self, not caring what people thought when they saw a girl having a meal by herself.
So this is me, bring brave and strong and fearless, and putting personal stuff out there (letting it go, if you will) in hopes that someone else will understand and maybe learn something.
What makes me amazing? I just fucking am.