Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Art of Listening, or Huh? What?

Last week the seniors were doing a timed writing on the Iliad and obviously they didn't pay attention during the previous two weeks of class because there were questions like this overheard in my friend's class:

"So...this is GREEK mythology, right?"

"Zeus is a god, right?"

"The fight happened IN Priam, right?" [NOTE: Priam is a person, not a city, so...awkward?]

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

That's what she said? Vol. II

My seniors are reading Oedipus Rex, which, as you may know, is about a dude who murders his dad and bangs his mom. Classy stuff, right? A student was reading the part of Oedipus and got to a rather lengthy monologue...

"Oh god, this is SO long!"

They all looked at me expectantly, but I kept it together. For once.

Monday, September 27, 2010

I like not being the only inappropriate teacher!

A colleague had students create posters for the gods in the Iliad, outlining their usefulness and giving each a slogan. The two best slogans:

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except Hermes. He stays with you."

"To lazy to grab your own spear? Call Athena."

Friday, September 24, 2010

It's a cause and effect thing...

I love my first hour seniors so much and this is why. I have one class (usually on Mondays in my first class of the day) clean the desks on Friday because, as I've said before, kids are gross and they're all going to get diseases from those desks. So I just had the following conversation with the apple-herpes-desk-kid:

Kid: Why do we have to clean the desks?
Me: Because you're dirty little monkeys and those desks have diseases and I don't want you to die.
Kid: Oh, well that's nice of you!
Me: Well not really. It's actually really selfish. Because if you die then I have to go to your funeral, which means I have to buy a new dress. Then I'll cry a lot, so I'll have to get waterproof mascara, which is really hard to wash off completely.
Girl pipes in: Which is bad for your eyes because it makes your eyelashes fall out!
Me: Exactly! So my eyelashes will fall out and I'll be less attractive and then no man will ever fall in love with me and I'll never have kids which will make my mom mad because she'll never be a grandmother and I'll be alone forever and die alone. WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE ALONE?!
Kid, getting up and running to my podium to grab a Clorox wipe: Oh my god, I'll clean my desk right now!

This is my favorite day.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A New Game

Let's play a game I like to call "What Word Is This Kid Trying To Use?" It's fun!

"M, you're such a good teacher. You've really inspirated me!"

I hate this game.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

May the Bro be with you.

Do you know what a bro is? The Onion does. Urban Dictionary does. Even Wiktionary does. And so should you. Bros are ubiquitous in my state and especially in my school. They're everywhere, sitting around in their giant trucks with their baseball hats all askew and their polo shirts with popped collars and their ridiculous Wayfarer sunglasses. I want to punch them. But when a kid into a friend's class wrote a myth about the origin of bros, I couldn't help but laugh. An excerpt:

"The townspeople upon having the tires on their lifted trucks slashed: They called upon Brobi Wan-Kenobi and Broseidon to help.”

Monday, September 13, 2010

Obviously I'd try to sell it first!

A junior girl complimented me on my hair today. It's curly and messy and generally annoying to me, so I told her I really wanted to shave my head.

To that she responded, in a very serious tone and with big eyes, "When you shave it off, can I have it?!" I called her creepy and told her to go sit down.

Then I laughed.

Friday, September 10, 2010

I don't even have a witty title, because everything I want to say will just be too inappropriate.

A co-worker had his students find examples of propaganda and the students had to describe them to the class. This is what one boy brought it. I wish I got to listen to him explain it. Or at the very least, I wish I had seen the expression on the kids', and my co-worker's, faces when they burst into laughter. I can guarantee you that would have been one of those times when I would have found it impossible to keep a straight face.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I'm mean, and if you didn't know that already, welcome to the club.

I've sat on this one for a while, waiting for this girl to graduate, so I don't feel so bad for mocking her to the world.

There used a girl in one of my classes who may be the biggest moron in the world. She had crazy, terrifying, tarantula over-mascared eyes. When people say dumb things in my class, I look at them and oftentimes just say "you're pretty" and smile blankly. Most the time they get it, she never does. (I've become famous for this tactic. Once I met a friend of a friend and he recognized me through a story he'd been told, "Oh! You're 'you're pretty'?! I love that!") One day she was being especially stupid and I looked at her and said "Your headband is pretty." She smiled back at me and said "It's GOLD!" Yes, it was gold in color, but you have to imagine a valley girl voice saying that really loudly. Ever since that day, she's been known as Headband Girl to my friends.

One time Headband Girl and I had the best conversation ever.

Me (chatting with some students while they were working): Yeah, I got 7 books yesterday in the mail!! [note: hoooooooray paperbackswap!!]
HG: Uh, whyyyyyy?
[cue my faithful kids muttering about how reading is a good thing]
Me: Because I like to read and when I grow up I don't want to be ignorant?
HG: What does that even mean?!
Me: Exactly...
[cue me laughing maniacally and the kids jumping all over her about her lack of word knowledge]

That made my entire day. You have no idea.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Romanticism? More like boremanticism!

Kids hate everything. That's just a lesson you have to learn as a teacher. They have the ability to bitch about anything you teach. It's in their nature. But sometimes they complain in hilarious ways. For example, my juniors are starting Romanticism, which is apparently full of boring.

Kid: Can we stop learning about old stuff? It all happened in the past. It's boring.
Me: No.
Kid: Ugh, but they talk old and they're not interesting!

So...we should study the future? Good to know!

Friday, September 3, 2010

The hills really look like white elephants over here...

I love my co-workers. I can't stress that statement enough. I have prep with two of my favorite people and, even though I give them shit all the time, we have a good time for an hour every day. The thing is, because they're 29 going on 14 year old dudes, our time together is often marred with inappropriateness, which one may say makes it more awesome. For example, today we had this situation:

(Backstory: Two students come in looking for another teacher whose last name is a color.)

Girls: We're looking for Mr. Color?
Dude 1: I think he's in the billiards room with Professor Purple and a coat hanger.
[The teacher comes around the corner and talks to the kids.]
Me: Uh, a coat hanger?
Dude 1: I don't know!
Me: It's not like he's doing abortions over there!
Dude 2: And if he is, he's not in the billiards room, he's in the back alley.

The three of us laughed for a long time. We're all terrible people and probably going to hell. But oh well!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Bringing up Angela Chase's comments on Anne Frank would be inappropriate right now, right?

My, and four other teachers', seniors are reading Elie Wiesel's memoir Night, which chronicles Wiesel's year surviving various concentration camps when he was 15. The kids usually love the book because it's intense and hard to put down. Sometimes though, we have kids who aren't really into to it or who are just, well, dumb. A co-worker was a part of this conversation last week...

Boy 1: (with disgust) These Holocaust stories are are the same. We've read so many.

Teacher: I'd disagree. This story is very different from some of the others you've read.
Girl 1: It's like Anne Frank.
Teacher: So Anne Frank was sent to two different ghettos, deported, and made her way through thee work camps only to see her father die?
Girl 2: Wait....wasn't she in an attic or something?
Teach: Yes. In an attic or something.
Girl 3: (softly to another student) Wasn't she, like, blind and deaf......
Girl 4: (loudly, and appalled by her friend's stupidity) That's Helen Keller you idiot!!!
Then laughter and the sound of palms on foreheads.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I wonder if he even knows what irony means?

This post on FailBlog reminds me a lot of a list a friend of a friend found in her classroom many years ago. Kids have odd ideas of how to accomplish their goals. Also, I really want to know what he scratched out. Also, I kind of wish this kid was in my class.