Sunday, December 26, 2010

Bonus Break Post!

Being on break is awesome. Being on break and getting to hang out with my family while it snows and we drink lots of wine and watch hockey is super fantastic awesome.

I talked to L, my friend and coworker whose daughter was the subject of this post, a bit earlier. We traded Christmas stories, but hers were way more amusing, as K is always way more amusing than most adults. Here are three stories about K over the past week...

#1: L, her husband, K and the new baby, C, were driving to my friend's mom's house. Kate, out of the blue, announced, "Mom, Dad, when I'm a grown up, I'm going to have my own computer and I'm going to put lots of pictures of Frosty [the Snowman] on it so I can look at them any time I want". This makes being a grown up sound easy and amazing, right?

#2: In preparation for Christmas and Santa's visit, L and her husband have been warning K that "if you're not good, Santa won't come visit..." A few days ago my friend's husband yelled at the cat (and she was being bad, as she always is) and K stopped playing, looked at her dad and said, "Dad, you better be good or Santa won't bring you any presents".

#3: K and C share a room. On Christmas Eve C was crying, as 13 day old babies are apt to do. When L came into the room to check on C, K was shushing him and telling him, "Shhh Baby Brother, if you don't quiet down Santa will never come!".

Friday, December 17, 2010

Hannah Montana does say that everyone makes mistakes...

For their final exam, my seniors had to do presentation on the different pieces we've read. They had to look at major themes and then explain how they relate to the real world today. One group had world myths and folktales. They were discussing the myth of "Theseus", who has overwhelming pride and eventually (spoiler alert!) gets stuck to a bench in the underworld for eternity. Their connection to the real world?

"Today, Miley Cyrus got to comfortable with her status in life and now she is having bad influences on children now which could end her career."

Right. Theseus was totally smoking salvia in his bong and then got stuck in the underworld. It's the exact same thing. Wonderful.

Break Time!

It's winter break! I'm off to spend the holidays with my family at my sister and brother-in-law's house on the other side of the country. I'll return to posting in two weeks when I go back to school.

I've gotten some wonderfully supportive emails from readers and some shout-outs from some awesomely hilarious blogs over the past few months. Thank you for your stories and kind words! If you like what I've been writing, please don't be afraid to leave me a comment.

Happy Holidays everyone! Stay ridiculous!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

What are you doing?! What, what, what are you doing?!

An email from a friend I got yesterday...

While reading the balcony scene, the freshmen argued that Romeo comes on too strong and that no girl would ever go for that.

Teacher: Hold up. This is the generation that this Edward Cullen, who sneaks into Bella's bedroom TO WATCH HER SLEEP, is a romantic guy. And you think Romeo is too much?
Boy: Yeah, at least Romeo has the decency to stay outside. Edward be creepin' right into her room!

*Mini Rant*
I hate people who think that "Romeo and Juliet" is romantic. It's not! (Neither is Twilight, as it's a freaking abusive relationship!) They're two teenagers (Juliet is 14!!) and they kill themselves. That's not romantic, that's freaking stupid. Here, watch my favorite YouTube series explain to you why Juliet is a moron... (You may have to click on the video and go to YouTube because the video is wider than the column I have here.)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

He must have big pockets.

This may win for my most favorite conversation of all time. First of all, this is from my favorite class of the day, one of my junior classes.

We were reviewing for the fall final exam. The question from the review guide was, "What did Puritans believe about the truth of the Bible?" This is the conversation that ensued with a girl I adore who is very silly and likes to joke around with me...

Me: OK, so the Bible was literal word of God, that's what the Puritans believed, which seems silly because I don't think God actually wrote the Bible.
Girl: He definitely didn't. God couldn't have written the Bible. He doesn't have hands.

Me [feigning shock]: He doesn't?! But the song says he holds the whole world in his hands. How does he do that?

Girl: We're, uh, in his pocket...

Me: Weird. How did we get into his pocket?
Girl: Jesus put us there!

Me: Now this is just getting ridiculous.
Girl: You gotta write it down!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

You mean like a tornado or something?

An email from a co-worker...

The restated thesis from an essay about conflict in "The Most Dangerous Game":

"Man, Nature, and yourself is not something you want to get attacked by."

Friday, December 10, 2010

You gotta fight for your right to beeeeeee gay!

My juniors are currently working on their Research Paper. I put it in caps because it's a Big Deal. It's the major assignment junior year and the kids (and I) spend a lot of time freaking out about it. This year the topic is on civil rights. The students had to pick an event in civil rights (whether it be African American, gay, women's, Latino, etc.) and write about how it has changed the rights for that group of people. While some of the papers are interesting, many of them just make me want to kill myself. Awesome, right? For example, I was looking at source cards and a student, in all seriousness, turned in the following article from The Onion as a source. I posted the article on my Facebook and my friends/relatives/former students were all horrified and couldn't believe kids could be so...ridiculous. Well, we here know there is no limit to the ridiculousness of teenagers, so, please, read this article and envy my life.

Article: "Repeal Of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Paves Way For Gay Sex Right On Battlefield, Opponents Fantasize"

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Is it weird that this makes me love them more?

Last year I had a student use "Lost" to explain morality in The Great Gatsby. This year, I'm happy to say pop culture has again invaded my classroom and the tradition continues, in similarly ridiculous ways. (Note: If you haven't read "The Pardoner's Tale" from The Canterbury Tales, here's a quick summary, if you are so inclined.

Kid #1: I don't get "The Pardoner's Tale". What's the main idea?
Kid #2: You know how in "The Dark Knight" the Joker kills all his supposed allies and then burns the money he's sitting on top of to make them realize they're greedy but keeps some for himself and ends up getting caught by Batman anyway? That's like the moral of "The Pardoner's Tale", about money being the root of all evil. "The Dark Knight" is better though.
Kid #1: Totally!

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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Oy vey.

B, who, bless his soul, still teaches freshmen, emailed me this freshman comment last week...

"Today is the first day of Hannukah? Is anyone in our class Hannukan?"

Same girl right after: “OHHHH… Hannukah is spelled all weird!”

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

These will be fun to grade...

Things that are more important than writing a research paper (the rough draft is due tomorrow and the final draft is due Friday) in the computer lab...

-finding the perfect hoodie on some skateboarding website
-playing games
-typing 'xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" into notepad (he tried to tell me he was writing his paper in binary, and was SHOCKED when I told him that I knew binary was made of 1s and 0s, also that I have a rudimentary knowledge of writing HTML code)
-staring lovingly at the person at the computer next to you
-shining the laser at the bottom of the mouse at people
-flirting with the TA (who is a senior and has a super awesome boyfriend who can fit a ding dong in his mouth!)'
-Google image searching random things, like hot basketball players or cool cars
-talking about how expensive a local popular tattoo parlor is (you're 16, you idiots!!)
-glancing furtively at me, which obviously means you're doing something you're not supposed to be doing

Honestly, as this is their last day in the library computer lab, I don't care what they're doing, as long as it's not illegal (which I'm sure the librarians are appreciative of). I'm at the point where I can't care about their essay more than they do. Also, I'm not their mom/babysitter/personal assistant, so they need to buck up and get it together.

Because, you see, it's all my fault.

Want to know what it's like to be a teacher these days? It's like this. No, seriously, it's exactly like this, except there are four, not six, ways to contact me.

Monday, December 6, 2010

That's what she said? Vol. III

It's hard for me to be mature in a classroom of teenagers because inside I'm a 15 year old boy who likes dick and fart jokes. Usually I can just bury my head in my hands and laugh to myself while the class loses it, but sometimes the moment is so ridiculous that I can't keep it together either.

I have a couple in that class who perpetually provide me with amusement with their random arguments and comments to each other across the room. This morning while I was starting first hour and trying to take attendance, the two of them, along with their friend, involved me in a conversation that I just couldn't handle.

GF: Oh my god, M, BF's mouth is huge!
Me: Uh...OK.
GF: Seriously, he just shoved a whole ding dong in his mouth!

It took the class approximately .5 seconds to make that dirty and be on the floor laughing. I then told the class that they can't expect me to act like an adult when they say things like that.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Exciting news!

I'm happy to announce that the blog has a real address now! You can now just go to to see how ridiculous, and sometimes awesome, my and my co-workers' students can be.

I appreciate your support in making fun of a loving way of course.


Friday, December 3, 2010

Ahora estoy buscando para su inteligencia.

I have a pair of boys in my first class who pretty much always make my day. I had them both as juniors last year, when we had ridiculous conversations about bras being tricky and why dogs have to die. Today was a new memorable moment.

Kid #1: M, what's llegar in English?
Me, after thinking for a second: To arrive.
Kid #1: OK, and buscar?
Me: To look for.
Kid #1: OK, and...
Me: Wait, why am I doing your Spanish homework for you?
Kid #1: Uh...
Me: And also, how is it that I haven't taken a Spanish class in 10 years yet I know more than you?!
Kid #2: Because he's repeated 1-2 three times.
Me: Obviously.
Kid #2: Also because you're a girl.
Me: What?
Kid #2: Everyone knows girls are smarter than guys.
Me: I'm writing this down for posterity.
Kid #1: What does that mean?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

It could be anyone.

I wanted to post about this situation, but I couldn't find the right words. Thankfully, Mrs. Bees from the "Full of Bees!" blog wrote an excellent post that conveys my fears about school shootings, teenage pressure, and this young man in particular. Please click the links and read.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

We're awful and funny, obviously.

A girl just came into the English office to take a test. She said it was for the book How to Kill a Mockingbird. Because we're pretty terrible people, the four of us who are in here on prep made fun of her.

Me: Uh, How to Kill a Mockingbird? Never heard of it.
Co-worker #1: Do you mean To Kill a Mockingbird? Because that's an award winning novel.
CW#2: How to Kill a Mockingbird, huh? That sounds pretty complicated. Step 1: Find a mockingbird. Step 2: Kill it.
Me [to the student]: Sorry to mock you, but it's too hilarious to pass up.
CW#1: Yeah, you think we're mean now, you should see how much we make fun of our students!
Me: It's true, we're pretty awful people.

A few minutes, after she got her exam:

CW#1 [to me]: Remember that one time we made that one random freshman almost cry? That was awesome.