It's good she didn't cut her ear off like Beethoven. Wait, that's not right either.

I was going over this week's vocab words with my juniors and for the word "innate" I pointed to a girl in class and said she has the innate ability to draw well, which is true. A boy backed up my claim using his own words...

"I can barely draw a stick figure, but she's over here drawing like Mozart!"

After the laughter died down, we all agreed that maybe he meant to say Monet, but that didn't make the moment any less hilarious.

Does Trojan make Zeus sized condoms?

An email I got from B about his ever amusing freshmen (for background on the second one, read this)...

After giving the intro to Ancient Greece and building a base for creation myths and Greek mythology, I asked for questions.

Kid: "Why do we have to read this? It isn't real."
Me: "Do you mean it isn't true? You can choose to believe that."
Kid: "No it isn't real. It is made up."
Me: "Most of what we read in English is fiction."
Kid: "No, but...those short stories were all real."
Me: "No, they weren't."
Other kid: (Slaps head) "Ugh. This could take awhile."

---

Me: "Besides the ancient Greeks, only one modern religion places the mother as the religious head of the household. Who knows what religion it is?"
Freshman [the same who made the "Hanakkan" remark]: "The Judes?"
Me: "Huh?"
Freshman: "The Judes. You know, the one with the stars on their chests. And that song."
Me: "Ummm...anyone else?"

---

Me: "Zeus was the supreme ruler of Olympus, and the Lord of the Sky. Also, he liked the ladies."
Kid: "So did he have a lot of kids?"
Me: "Yes."
Kid: "Why didn't he wear a condom?"
Me: "Umm... [trying not to make a Trojan joke] they didn't make them for...um...deities."
Kid: Oh.

Note from M: The Trojan may or may not have been my high school mascot...so we may or may not have made a lot of condom jokes too.

Maybe they'll be doctors?: Part II

Girl: So I have a question?
Me, preparing for the worst: Oh lord, what?
Girl: So, like, when you sneeze, does it come out of your mouth and your nose? Or just your mouth? Or just your nose? It's so weird.
Class: WHAT?!
Me: Uh, I don't even know how to begin to answer that question. Try sneezing and then you'll know.
Girl #2, sighs: It's way too early for this.
Me: I know, I know.

We later asked Yahoo Answers, which is the best thing to do in this situation because Yahoo Answers gives the best (read: the worst and most uneducated) answers to every question ever. Here's what they had to say: click.

Last Post Update

I'm happy to report that the public shaming I gave the kids who were making out in the hall yesterday worked. Today they quickly walked past my classroom, pecked each other and walked to their respective classes.

My plan today, if I have seen them again, was a recommendation from a friend to just point to them and yell, "SHAAAAAAAAAME!" I would have done that for sure.

We're not trying to shoot an episode of "Teen Mom: The Prequel" here.

Kids shouldn't make out in the hallway. That's disgusting. I don't need to stand in the doorway of my classroom, holding my door open for my kids and greeting them at 8:30 in the morning and see a pair of (very likely) sophomores eating each others' faces with the voracity of a velociraptor. So when I see something like that usually my teacher colleague in crime and I go and stand on either side of the kids and make it awkward until they stop. Today, as I was by myself, I did what any normal adult would do...I screeched at the top of my lungs:

"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY ARE YOU EATING HER FACE STOP MAKING OUT IN THE HALLWAY THAT IS DISGUSTING GO AROUND THE CORNER WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH THIS YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES DOING THIS IN FRONT OF A TEACHER GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY."

They stopped, looked at me with absolute shock and then slunk (is that even a word?) around the corner, where I'm sure they became some other teacher's problem. I got a round of applause from the rest of the kids in the hallway for that one. I guess I'm not the only one who doesn't want to see that.

Maybe they'll be doctors?

It's time for another chapter is the the ridiculous adventures of Caliban and Feste!

Caliban: If you have one eye, does that eye get stronger? Like your vision gets more awesome?
Me: Um what?
Caliban: Like if you know how when you're deaf, your hearing gets better?
Feste: It's not like if you're missing a leg you become a better runner.

The next day...

Feste: I feel like I'm listening really well today.
Me, pointedly at Caliban: Is it because one of your ears isn't working and now you have supersonic hearing?
Caliban: I hate you both.
Feste: No you don't. You love us! [laughs manically]

Everyone can agree that the one thing The Great Gatsby needs is a transvestite!

One thing my kids like about me, I think, is the fact that is take a lot to actually faze me. I'm so awkward and weird on my own, that kids' awkward questions or comments really don't bother me. I've learned to have a pretty good stone face reaction to questions, comments and general ridiculousness. So yesterday, when a group of boys had some questions for me, the only thing I could do is honestly answer their questions in scientific terms.

Boy #1: Uh, M, Boy #2 has a question for you.
Boy #2: No, I don't!
Boy #3: Yes, you do, just ask her.
Me: Ask or don't ask, I don't care.
Boy #2: OK, so...what's the difference between a transvestite and a hermaphrodite?
Me: Oh, I can answer that. [I explain in the most pc and simple way I can, which leads into a conversation about transexuals and gender reassignment surgery as well.]
Boy #2: Thanks! That all makes a lot of sense.
Boy #1: OK so the other part of this...
Me: Yes?
Boy #1: When Jordan Baker [in The Great Gatsby] says, "I'm stiff," she complained. "I've been lying on that sofa for as long as I can remember." Um...
Me, a second goes by: Did all this start because one of you was making a dick joke?!
[The boys all look guilty.]
Me: Jordan is a girl, she doesn't have an erection, she's not a transvestite or a hermaphrodite or a transexual. You're all ridiculous.
Boy #3: I told you we could ask her anything.
Me: Get back to work.

Although I don't think they fist pumped in 1925.

If I had to make a list of my best teaching practices, the number one item on the list would be my ability to come up with quick comebacks to stupid things kids say. OK, so maybe that's not really a "best practice teaching strategy", but it's something that makes my days a little bit easier and keeps me in control of my classroom.

On a related note, last Friday, the last period of the day, my juniors were crazy. A three day weekend was starting in 58 minutes and we were all a little ready to get out of there. I was attempting to do some introduction notes to The Great Gatsby, but as always the kids had their own ideas of what they wanted to discuss.

Me: OK, so let's get started with the notes!
Girl #1: OMG, did you watch Jersey Shore last night?! It was the premiere.
Girl #2: It was so awesome!
Boy: Yeah, especially when...
Me: No, I didn't watch Jersey Shore. It's dumb.
Girl #1: WHAT?! It's like the best show on television!!!!
Me: Yeah, if I wanted to talk about a bunch of people who all sleep with each other, screw each other over, fight all the time, beat the hell out of each other, make terrible decisions and then go get drunk, I'd just read The Great Gatsby!
[I raise my arms triumphantly and cheer for myself.]
Boy: Score 1, M!!

2010 YA Book Reviews

Like Kyanne over at CookBook's Book, I buy more books than I have time to read. I want to read more, but unfortunately life, and my job, gets in the way. I can't read on my own when I'm teaching a novel, because I have to reread the book for the 47th time, even though I have entire sections of it memorized. So what happens is I start a book, and then it gets relegated to one of my two bedside tables, where it sits in a pile until I have time to pick it up again. That said, I love to read and I always have. I'll read pretty much anything, other than Stephen King (much to my mother's disappointment) or other likewise thriller or mystery books. The one kind of book that has always won me over though is the young adult book.

I believe adults should read more young adult, or YA, lit. Seriously, it's changed from when we were kids. It's not all Babysitter's Club, Sweet Valley High or whatever you read. There are so many fantastic people writing now. Their books are real and actually give teenagers these days a voice. Now, to be fair, there is a lot of truly terrible YA lit out there too. Mostly that stuff is about vampires or werewolves or angels or fairies or whatever supernatural being is hip this week. A few weeks ago, a former student asked if I'd been reading the latest trendy vampire series. I told her no, that I refuse to acknowledge those books when there are actual good YA books out there. So in an effort to spread the word about good books, I'll tell you about the three best YA books I read last year...

Tom Leveen
Party
Tom Leveen is one of the coolest people I've ever known. To be completely honest, we've been friends since I was in college (I feel like I should admit that when I tell people about his book, but I swear I'm not biased!!) I was so incredibly happy for Tom when he published his first novel this year. Party is the book I wish I had written. It's everything I love in books and movies: a bunch of disparate people who are inexorably intertwined and are brought together in the most high school of ways, The Big Party of the Year. Told in 11 different voices, the novel introduces the reader to those people you knew, or maybe you wanted to know given the chance, in high school. I've recommended this book to everyone I know and I even gave my TA a copy for Christmas. Please, go get a copy and dive into Leveen's world!

David Levithan and Rachel Cohn
Dash and Lily's Book of Dares
OK, to begin, I want David Levithan to be my best friend/gay boyfriend. I love him and I've read everything he's written that I've been able to get my hands on. This is the second book he's written with Rachel Cohn, the first being Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. I adore Levithan's voice. I believe his characters and feel for them. When he's paired with Cohn, there is this dynamic of true friends writing together. I've read a few of Cohn's other books, but they don't grab me the way Levithan's do. As the main characters of the book made their way through their adventure together, I got truly involved and felt as though I was there. I'm a sucker for quirky teen romances, as Netflix often tells me, and I was just drawn into Dash and Lily's story. Because of it's Christmastime setting, it was the perfect November read for me.

John Green and David Levithan
Will Grayson, Will Grayson
I've been a Nerdfighter since Nerdfighters were created (which shouldn't be surprising as I'm so obviously made of awesome), so when John Green announced a long time ago on his videos and he and Levithan were writing a book together, I was overjoyed. After reading several negative reviews on goodreads (my book reviewing and cataloging website of choice), I was prepared to be disappointed. On the contrary, I adored the book! As I've always said, I'm a complete sucker for books with multiple narrators, where the stories collide eventually. The two Will Graysons are both annoying and delightful in their own way. If you've read anything by Levithan or Green, you'll see their particular writing styles shine through to make a fantastic story.

No one is going to nickname me "Just Press Play".

Earlier this week I showed an interesting (to me) video about the Harlem Renaissance. It gives a great background on the racial and cultural background of the movement and shows some cool (again, to me) artifacts from the time.

I didn't get up to turn on the lights during passing period, partly because I was comfy in my chair at the front of the room and partly because a student asked me to google whether or not we sneeze in our sleep (an important google assignment, I think). The first girl who came to class was apparently surprised by the lack of lights and the fact that the Proxima was on.

Girl: Are you feeling OK, M?
Me: Yeah, I'm fine.
Girl: Are you in a bad mood?
Me: No, I'm actually in a really good mood!
Girl: But we're watching a video?
Me: I don't get what those two things have to do with each other...
Girl: It seems like you only show a video when you're sick or in a bad mood.
Me: Oh...that's not entirely true. I'll give you the fact that we watched "The Princess Bride" because I needed time to grade, but "Big Fish" was for Romanticism" and "The Crucible" was for Puritanism.
Girl: OK. I guess we just don't watch a lot of movies in here. I mean, it's not like it's history class or something.
Me: Burrrrrrrn! Let's be nice!

Whether I deserved it or not, I felt like a super awesome teacher after this conversation. I do admit that sometimes I rely on a video to get me through a day, but I always feel like a terrible teacher on those days. Maybe I'm not so terrible after all!

***Also, a note to my history teachers, just in case they read this (I'm not sure who does...): I love you! You know I love you! I'm not at all picking on you! Let's meet up in the copy room and complain about the science and math teachers later, OK?

If partying being the food of love, party on!

While reading the play Twelfth Night, I attempted to explain the gender-bending, drunken holiday Twelfth Night, which led a student to this conclusion:

"So basically you party for the 12 days after Christmas and then end with a final awesome party? So it's the party you bring your A game to."

Sure, why not.

("Sure why not" is going to be my new favorite tag for posts from now on.)

I'm still stuck on the Jedi stork thing.

I could have an entire blog devoted to these two kids. Alone they're funny, but together they make my day. I'm tempted to give them their own label here. Here I'm going to start calling them Caliban and Feste, as these are good nerdy pseudonyms. (Again, some old posts about them...here, here, here and here.) I was typing this as fast as I could while the two of them rapid fired their conversation.

Caliban: M, someone said Mace Windu was gay.
Me: I don't know what that is.
[Which is my stock answer to pretty much everything kids say, even though I know what they're talking about. For example, Kid: "OMG, did you see what Snookie did last night on Jersey Shore?!" Me, dismissively: "I don't even know what that is."]
Feste: The new Star Wars, Samuel L. Jackson.
Me: I haven't seen the new ones. Also, what if he is, who cares?
Caliban: I don't know, I just want to know.
Me: I have no answer for you.
Caliban: Did you know they were celibate? You know, the Jedis.
Feste: What does that mean?
Caliban: They didn't have sex.
Feste: Whoa. They didn't need to. They had the force.
Caliban: What does that have have to do with anything?
Me, seeing where this could be leading: OH MY GOD, PLEASE DON'T ANSWER THAT!!
Feste: Wait, yes they did! Luke and Leia are Anakin and whoever's baby! How do you think they had kids, some Jedi stork dropped the baby off on the planet?
Caliban (defeated): OK, you're right, I'm sorry, Mace Windu was probably gay.
Feste: I can't believe you said they never had sex, then there would be no people in Star Wars, I mean how did the kids get there? That's like saying there's no sex in The Sandlot.
The entire class: WHAT?!

With the words and the sentences and the putting them together...

When discussing two characters and their relationship...

Girl: There is no flare between them!
Me: Um...you mean spark? There's no spark between them?
Girl: HAHAHA yes!
Me: Because a flame between them would be hot...but not in a good way.
Girl: Sometimes I have words but I can't find them!
Me: I know how you feel.

I hope it's a butterfly!

Again from B, again from a freshman...

"I’m gonna get a tramp stamp when I turn 16. No really, my sister said she would pay."

What makes this even funnier is that a boy said it. Seriously.

I think I'm going to keep Etsy sellers busy for a while...

I've recently decided that I'm going to attempt to pull off embellished headbands. They've been in for a while, but I've never thought I could rock the headband. Over the holidays, my sister, who also has crazy curly hair, looked adorable in sparkly headbands and she said I should try them. As I listen to (mostly)_ everything my big sister tells me, I relented and today I'm wearing one.

A former student (who I call Blair Waldorf, as she tends to wear giant headbands and ridiculous outfits like the character on Gossip Girl) walked by my classroom during the first passing period and she explained why I'm the right person to wear the embellished headband...

Girl: OMG CUTE!
Me: Thanks! I didn't know if I could pull it off.
Girl: You totally can! You have to be sassy to wear that much sparkle.
Me: Oh?
Girl: Totally. I mean, a nice girl wears something that like and people are all "uh, what? no". But if you have the right attitude, like you do, like you don't care what people think, you can definitely rock it out.
Me: Well I'm going to take that as a compliment. I think.
Girl: Totally.

So I think I'm going to continue this trend. Also, I really want this one. Sparkles!!

It's 7 am, not 4:20.

Because I get to school early, I have quiet time in my classroom before my first class of the day begins. I usually spend this listening to music, doing some grades, reading various websites and just having some me time. I have about 20 different playlists on my iPod that all contain school appropriate music (which is actually something hard to come by on my iPod, not surprisingly) and I spend a lot of time rocking out on my own. Today a kid came in early as I was listening to music and doing some grading.

Kid: You're listening to Bob Marley?!
Me: Yes?
Kid: Dude, that's awesome. I love Bob Marley. It's so cool you like him too. I mean, a teacher liking Bob Marley? That's crazy!
Me: Uh OK...a few things. First of all, you know he's been around for a long time, like, before you were born? Also, you realize that just because I'm listening to Marley, that doesn't mean I'm a) a pot head and b) high right now, right?
Kid [crestfallen]: Oh.

Yeah, I love them.

I love when my seniors make references to things they learned the previous year in junior English. As junior English teacher as well, it makes my heart happy to know at least a few of them remember at least one thing I taught them last year. Yesterday, the first day back after the two week winter break, both of my senior classes did just this and I was happy.

First Class...background: the juniors read Frederick Douglass' autobiography. Second background: The boys from this post (and the ones linked within) are two of my favorite kids of all time. At one point last year I put one in charge of the other, because if they worked together they actually got stuff done. The kid in charge immediately wanted to know if he was the others owner, making him his slave, of course I told them that's now how it worked, but they ignored me and one has called the other his slave for a year and a half. This leads us to yesterday...

Kid #1: When we change seats, can I sit next to [Kid #2], because, you know, he's my slave.
Me: No.
Kid #2: I'm getting freed!
Me: Oh lord. You two stop.
Kid #1: I'm gonna free you like Frederick Douglass.
Me: Dude, Douglass didn't free anyone.
Kid #3 (who is one of their bros) yells out: Except for himself!
Me: And how did he do that?
Kid #3, joyfully: With education!!
Me: I love you right now.

Second class...background: I read Ernest Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants" with my juniors because I think it's one of the best piece of modern short fiction ever. Seriously read it. Spoiler alert though, it's about abortion. My kids handle it really well and it's one of my favorite teaching days of the year. Anyway, this is the conversation I got myself into...

Girl [to me]: So [Boy] and I were at this party full of Mormons and it was so awkward.
Boy: Yeah, it's like we were the white elephant in the room.
Me: Um, I think you mean the elephant. As you may remember, a white elephant is something very different.
Girl: No, he's right, we were like a abortion, like the sinners in the room.
Me: I love you both.

Yeah, I love them, Part II.

Apparently I'm full of love today. My worst class (seriously, they drive me crazy all the time, but still it's better than teaching sophomores!!) has been incredibly awesome for the past two days. They're working intently on their assignments and being polite. It's super creepy. While sitting at my podium while the kids were finishing an assignment, I decided I had to get to the bottom of things.

Me (out of nowhere): What's wrong with you guys?
[Kids look up from their work, look at me strangely.]
Me: Did you all get abducted by aliens over break? Did zombies eat your brains? Is some supernatural force making you behave? Because I just don't get it.
[They laugh.]
Kid who failed last semester miserably: I figured out I want to go to college.
Me: Oh?
Kid: Yeah.
Me: I think that's the best decision you've ever made. I kind of want to hug you.
[Kid looks at me weirdly and goes back to work.]

On Reading Books Critically

"I’m thirty. I’m five years too old to lie to myself and call it honor."

That is my favorite line from my favorite book. I'm starting The Great Gatsby, one of my all-time favorite books since I was 15, with my juniors next week. I think I love the book even more now as an adult than I did when I was younger. When I was 15 I romanticized the characters and thought if only Daisy and Gatsby could work it out, their love would be amazing. As an adult, I see the creep that Gatsby really is and the vapid sluttiness that is Daisy Buchanan (although I've also come to believe, as I've gotten older, than Daisy isn't a moron, but instead an evil genius). I also think that since I'm closer to the age of the characters (Nick, Gatsby and Tom are all 30 and I'm turning 30 in a few months) I kind of understand where they are in their lives. The looking back and wondering how it all might have been.

I know this is a very odd post for me, but it is going somewhere, I promise. Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal is a very funny comic that I read daily on my Google Reader (a thing that was invented by the Gods to let me read funny stuff on the internet in an easier manner). Yesterday's comic was pretty relevant to my class and to the way a lot of people teach novels, ie. murder them with the discussion of symbolism.

Also, if I spent 4 weeks reading Gatsby, my students would straight up murder me. (Click the comic to make it bigger, or click the link at the bottom to go to the original source.)

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2112#comic
1/2/2001